I was sitting at my kitchen counter in Cambridge with my family. It had snowed all night and day. I remember the room being very quiet. I remember my dad standing up, grabbing the keys off the counter, and walking out the door to go get a cup of coffee across the street. I remember my mom turning to me after we heard the door shut close saying, "Di Di. . . deem gai neh jo yi di yeh? Neh jong ee mah?" And I remember looking at her straight in the eyes and saying "I don't know anymore. I'm good at it, and people say I'm good at it and I pushed myself all the way here because I was just going. Moving forward. But I haven't slept in days, and I'm tired. And I'm realizing that I've been doing this for years and never have I actually asked myself the important questions, and I'm thinking about it now and I don't know if this is worth it anymore. I don't see a future in this, and I know you don't see a future in this either." She looked at me almost crying and said "Just stop. I don't want to see my son wither before he's even 30. You are pale, and getting so skinny, and you look sick. You have nothing if you don't have your health. Just stop. This is not the way." And I looked down at my plate and smushed a grain of rice against the bowl with my chopstick. And my sister knocked on the door and i stood up to get it. and she smiled and said she made a snowball outside. and Paul told me to get dressed b/c it was black Friday and he wanted to go to best buy to buy a TV. And my dad came back and said he hasn't seen a Dunkin Donut since he first got here and lived in Ohio. And the hot water was ready. and I made my mom a cup of tea.
It's a year later today.
My life now is completely unrecognizable.
And I realized tonight how grateful I am that I left.
I am grateful because I have grown so much since then.
I am grateful because I see a future now even though I don't know what it will be.
I am grateful because I've learned to stare into the nothingness and still find meaning.
I am grateful despite all the chaos and uncertainty, I am happy.
I am grateful that I love living.
I am grateful that I can breathe.
I am grateful because there is still so much more beauty.
Thanksgiving is a good holiday.