I had 6 hours of interviewing today at Nootrobox and they liked me and want to start a 3 week contract to feel out how we work together. And after eating dinner, I got in my car and drove home, and called my sister, and told her about how it went. And as we talked, I began to realize something. I began to realize that you can't deny your heart. My heart was telling me that these people were fucking crazy. They were smart, but they were abrasive, and harsh, and so intense but in the wrong ways. They spoke loudly of themselves, they boasted of themselves. They told me that this was the best work they've ever done. And I was so confused, because quietly in my head I was asking myself...how? Today I realized that there are many different types of fire. Many different types of being alive. The lead engineer told me that work is his life. He told me that we work here everyday, on Sundays too. That we are "HERE TO WIN." That he takes these pills to make him smarter. That smarter people are better for the world. That one day we will be able to live forever.

WE ARE NOT GODS.

Maybe he's right, but I don't want that reality to be right. I'm scared of that dream. I'm scared of those who want to experience that dream. We are not meant to live forever. We are meant to die. We are meant to love while we are alive, and then we are meant to die. 

I realized that these people had no sense of humility. There are different breeds of fire.

There is beautiful fire, and there is hubris-fire, and there is mean fire, and there is divine fire, and there is loving fire, and there is compassionate fire, and there is blind fire, and there is unholy fire. 

Can I imagine working with these people for 2-3 years? Everything in my body and heart are screaming FUCK NO. 

The only nice guy I met today was the designer. And we got along right away. He asked me if I wanted to take a walk, to go outside and get a coffee. He was human. I asked him who he was, where he was from. We were instant friends. He was a soft-spoken soul. He was of my kind. And by the end of the interview - I asked him bluntly: What's it like working with these guys? And he said back to me: It's fucking intense. I'll be honest with you, its like - they are here to rip you apart and if you can't defend yourself on the spot, it won't happen. I asked him if he ever felt disrespected, if he felt stifled. He was like "Yes." He was like, "But I can work with you. You're chill. This is chill. But with them, just get ready, b/c its they like to play war."

The CEO asked me if I had any questions.

I told him I appreciate his bluntness. His brutal honesty. And I am going to play this game as well. Transparency, true thoughts laid out on the table.

I told him "You all play hardball. You guys are fucking intense. You guys all hustle. I am OK with this, as long as respect is never questioned. As long as respect is maintained." 

I told him "I didn't try your pills after you gave me a sample. I'm philosophically not a proponent of adding a daily external chemical to alter my chemistry to augment my life. Something about that unsettles me, and I want to be honest with you and let you know that this is my current position on the product."

I told him "I have concerns with your product ethically and want to learn more about what you guys are doing and why you are doing it. You seem to be playing with drugs that are potentially habit-forming, are you taking advantage of this space right now to bankroll? Or do you believe in this?"

I told him "You all have told me that you want someone to own design. But I can tell from even today's conversations that you guys are attached to certain things, naturally. This is your baby. How open are you to actual change?" 

He told me he doesn't give a fuck about how it looks, as long as it sells. He told me the co-founder is emotionally attached to it though and you're gonna have to fight him and convince him otherwise.

Do I want my entire experience of work to be a fight?

These  people are warriors no doubt. But what kind of warrior?

Hustle is not inherently good. Drive is not inherently good. Ambition is not inherently good.

I have immense doubts about this.

I should follow my heart.

What do I actually want out of life?

Why does this question keep coming back and why does the answer always seem to slip away the moment I try to touch its shadow? 

What a roller-coaster.

Do I think too much?

But its just what I think...

How can you think too much?

Sigh

Life is not easy

I want to just love things and lay in the sun and breathe